30. Ashes to Ashes
From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
With a strong script, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is one of the better Bond movies. The ending, with Bond's new wife being shot to death as they drive away in their car having just been married, probably looked good paper. The moment is utterly ruined by George Lazenby's inability to act and a fat cop with red cheeks pulling up alongside the car on a motorbike as Bond cradles his wife's body in his arms.
29. Splash Landing
From: Licence to Kill
From: Licence to Kill
Licence to Kill is often underrated, with Timothy Dalton playing a gritty version of 007 that was much closer to Ian Fleming's character than previous Bond actors. The final scene of the movie contains a laughable moment where Bond wins over his love interest by jumping off a balcony into a swimming pool. The look on her face as Dalton splashes behind her is classic.
28. Madonna... In a Bond Movie?
From: Die Another Day
From: Die Another Day
Die Another Day makes a number of missteps, with the ridiculous invisible car and an aging Brosnan getting it on with Halle Barry. One of its low points is Madonna's (yes, the singer) cameo as a fencing instructor, with the only saving grace being that very little acting is needed for the role.
27. This Never Happened to the Other Fella
From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service
The producers of the Bond franchise knew that replacing Sean Connery was going to be tough for any actor, therefore they decided to cast George Lazenby who had never done serious acting work in his life. In the opening scene of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lazenby takes out several bad guys on a beach. Just as the audience is starting to forget Connery, Lazenby brings us all back down to earth by walking up to the camera and gleefully saying, "This never happened to the other fella." Dreadful.
26. Robbing the Cradle
From: For Your Eyes Only
From: For Your Eyes Only
By the time For Your Eyes Only rolled around in 1981, Roger Moore was well over 50-years-old. Despite Bond regularly banging younger women, things are taken to a new low when Bibi, a 17-year-old ice skater, throws herself at 007 and then announces that she isn't a virgin.
25. The Cello Case Sled
From: The Living Daylights
From: The Living Daylights
The Living Daylights is one of the better Bond movies but it's not helped by the sight of Timothy Dalton riding down a ski slope on a cello case. As he and Bond girl Kara Milovy approach the Swiss border they duck under a barrier, throw the cello in the air, and catch it on the other side.
24. Denise Richards, the Nuclear Physicist
From: The World is Not Enough
From: The World is Not Enough
In an even more bizarre casting choice than putting Madonna in Die Another Day (which at least was only a cameo), the role of Bond girl in The World is Not Enough was given to Denise Richards. Richards is better known for her big breasts rather than her acting skills, so was obviously the logical choice to play a nuclear scientist. The reason for her character's bizarre name (Christmas Jones) only becomes clear in the final seconds of the movie when Bond, laying astride her, says "I thought Christmas only comes once a year."
23. Bond Does Star Wars
From: Moonraker
From: Moonraker
The best Bond movies usually have a sense of realism about them and the plots are at least somewhat plausible. All of that is thrown out the window in Moonraker, a blatant attempt to cash in on the Star Wars craze of the time. The climax of the movie is a battle in outer space with lasers flying about all over the place, an exploding space station, and Roger Moore "attempting re-entry" with Bond girl Dr. Goodhead (no kidding).
22. The Sausage King
From: Diamonds Are Forever
From: Diamonds Are Forever
Diamonds Are Forever is easily the worst of the Sean Connery movies with several absurd moments that have no business being in an action thriller film. Case in point: the prominent role of billionaire hotel and casino owner Willard Whyte was given to none other than Jimmy Dean, a.k.a. "The Sausage King." The sight of Sean Connery fighting alongside a gun-toting Dean and trying to keep a straight face is priceless.
21. The Superfluous Third Nipple
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
Christopher Lee is arguably one of the best Bond villains ever and was the perfect choice to play Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun. Unfortunately, we have to endure repeat viewings of Scaramanga's third nipple. As if that weren't enough, Bond has to explain this "superfluous nipple" to M and later wear a prosthetic teat himself. Titillating.
20. Joe Don Baker's Ass
From: Goldeneye
From: Goldeneye
Goldeneye is comfortably the best of the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies. This despite the inclusion of a ridiculous scene in which Joe Don Baker has to prove his identity to 007 by pulling down his pants, revealing a tattoo on his ass. Things are made even worse by the writing on the tattoo, which you can see for yourself.
19. Moore Quiche Please
From: A View to a Kill
From: A View to a Kill
Roger Moore reaches a new low in A View to a Kill by wooing Tanya Roberts, contender for worst Bond girl of all time, and baking her a quiche. He then stands up, still wearing his oven gloves, and passes it off as just an omelet.
18. The S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Drag Queen
From: Thunderball
From: Thunderball
S.P.E.C.T.R.E. villain Jacques Bouvar fakes his own death and dresses as his widow at the funeral. Decked out in a pretty black slip, veil, and high heels, he and Bond then duke it out before Connery does the only sensible thing and puts Bouvar out of his misery.
17. Jaws and the Circus Music
From: Moonraker
From: Moonraker
Moonraker, despite having many low points, actually contains one of the franchise's better opening sequences as Roger Moore dukes it out with Jaws whilst free falling from an airplane. The entire scene is almost ruined when Jaws, having just been thwarted, attempts to deploy his parachute only to tear away the rip chord. Cue a shocking fifteen seconds in 007 history as Jaws wildly flails his arms up and down, the moment naturally accompanied by circus music.
16. The Iron Lady Talks to a Parrot
From: For Your Eyes Only
From: For Your Eyes Only
Ah yes, Max the talking parrot, probably the most irritating non-human character in 007 history. One of the more enjoyable Bond romps, and certainly one of Roger Moore's best, but it all comes close to disaster in the closing minutes. A cringe inducing scene has Margaret Thatcher, a.k.a. "The Iron Lady", having a full blown conversation with the parrot whilst baking muffins.
15. Getting it on with Grace Jones
From: A View to a Kill
From: A View to a Kill
A View to a Kill was one Bond movie too many for Roger Moore, who was pushing 60-years-old by this time. Moore's wrinkles and the 30-year age difference didn't stop him from bedding Grace Jones in one of the most awkward scenes in Bond history.
14. The Clown Costume
From: Octopussy
From: Octopussy
In true Bond style, Roger Moore has to save the day by defusing a bomb that is only seconds away from detonating. Naturally, this task must be accomplished whilst wearing a clown costume, complete with wig and a red nose.
13. Moneypenny's Orgasm
From: Die Another Day
From: Die Another Day
Throughout the franchise's history, there has been a "will they or won't they" thing going on between James Bond and Miss Moneypenny. Their relationship reaches a new low in Die Another Day when we see 007 hovering over a spread eagled Moneypenny, only for it to then be revealed that the whole thing is taking place in a virtual reality program. The sight of Moneypenny wearing her virtual reality glasses, writhing around on the floor, caps everything off nicely.
12. Bond Goes Surfing
From: Die Another Day
From: Die Another Day
Pierce Brosnan's high-speed rocket sled is forced off a cliff where it is suspended miraculously. As the cliff starts to melt and crumble around him, Brosnan is able to cobble together a parachute and surf board which he then uses to ride the waves to safety. A ridiculous scene, with the only saving grace being that it isn't accompanied by The Beach Boys (see below).
11. Bond Goes Surfing (Again)
From: A View to a Kill
From: A View to a Kill
It turns out that Die Another Day is merely the apprentice when it comes to perfecting the surf board scene. In A View to a Kill, 57-year-old Roger Moore uses a makeshift surf board to ride down a mountain whilst being chased by bad guys on skis... as California Girls by The Beach Boys plays in the background.
10. Sherriff J.W. Pepper
From: Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun
From: Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun
The most irritating, stereotyped character in all the Bond films combined is Sherriff J.W. Pepper, played by Clifton James. His appearance almost sinks two Bond movies, not to mention his involvement in the Swannee Whistle incident (see below). Pepper is what the producers must have thought was a stereotypical Texan cop, i.e. a dumb redneck who always looks like he has a half liter of spit in his mouth (which he disposes off on several occasions). The scenes involving J.W. are ludicrous. The fact that he was invited back after one movie is criminal.
9. The Midget Henchman
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
As great as Christopher Lee was as a Bond villain, his sidekick in The Man with the Golden Gun is Nick Nack, played by midget Herve Villechaize (a.k.a. Tattoo from Fantasy Island). One of Roger Moore's more laughable moments (and there are many) comes when he almost loses a fight to Nick Nack, despite having at least 120lbs in weight and 4ft in height on him. In a final insult to midgets worldwide, Nick Nack is bundled up into a suitcase then tied to the top of a ship's mast in the movie's closing scene.
8. Jaws Goes Soft
From: Moonraker
From: Moonraker
Jaws, played by 7ft 2in Richard Kiel, is one of the best and most creepy Bond villains. Naturally, the only sensible thing to then do with his character was to give him a spec-eyed girlfriend and launch the pair of them into space in Moonraker. Jaws' legacy should be scenes such as when Barbara Bach opens her closet to find a menacing Kiel staring back at her. Instead, we are treated to Jaws and Speccy sharing a bottle of champagne, smiling and waving enthusiastically at Bond and Dr. Goodhead as they fly away in their space shuttle.
7. Connery Turns Japanese
From: You Only Live Twice
From: You Only Live Twice
In one of the least politically correct moments in Bond history, Sean Connery has to go undercover by being made to look Japanese. As if the fake eyelids and a bowl haircut wig aren't bad enough, his skin is also dyed a shade of yellow. Apart from the debacle that was Diamonds are Forever, this was Connery's lowest point as Bond.
6. Bond Rapes Pussy Galore
From: Goldfinger
From: Goldfinger
It may have been 1964 but even then women's rights had advanced enough to make it illegal to force yourself on a girl. Despite saying No at least twice and putting up a decent fight, Pussy is pinned to the ground in a hay barn and it's made pretty clear what happens next.
5. The Pigeon Double Take
From: Moonraker
From: Moonraker
In one of most embarrassing scenes not only in Moonraker (which contained a fair few shameful scenes all on its own), but in all of the Bond movies, Roger Moore's gondola turns into a hovercraft which he then drives through St. Mark's Square. A man turns and stares at his wine bottle and then a pigeon does a double take. Horrendous.
4. Mr. Wint & Mr. Kid
From: Diamonds Are Forever
From: Diamonds Are Forever
J.W. Pepper's stereotyped redneck was bad enough but things are taken to a new low in Diamonds Are Forever with Mr. Wint and Mr. Kid. In an inexplicable act of poor taste, the duo's creepiness is explained away by their being homosexual. They hold hands and comment on how unattractive they find women and in one truly horrendous scene, Mr. Wint is subjected to the ultimate fraternity joke (see below).
3. The Tarzan Scream
From: Octopussy
From: Octopussy
Roger Moore gets chased through the Indian jungle by men riding elephants, so he does the only reasonable thing: grabs a vine and starts swinging from tree to tree. As if the scene wasn't already bizarre enough, he lets out a full blown Tarzan cry mid-swing.
2. The Swannee Whistle
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
From: The Man with the Golden Gun
Car chases are the staple of any good Bond movie and The Man with the Golden Gun features what was, at the time, the only stunt to be calculated purely by computer. The spectacular scene of Bond's car corkscrewing through the air is completely ruined by Sherriff J.W. Pepper's presence in the vehicle, Moore imitating an American accent just seconds earlier, and the stunt being accompanied by the sound of a swannee whistle.
From: Diamonds Are Forever
Diamonds Are Forever wasn't content with taking bad taste to extremes with the whole creepy homosexual motif. In one last dreadful scene, Sean Connery gives Mr. Wint a full fledged wedgie. Mr. Wint's girlish scream and facial expressions are priceless but, really, the whole thing has become excruciating to watch long before the movie reaches this new low.
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