Saturday, September 11, 2010

From Coolest to Stoolest: Star Trek Movies

11. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Following on from the slow and lumbering The Motion Picture, and realizing that a Star Trek movie actually needed a plot, the producers went back to what Star Trek does best. The Wrath of Khan had easily the best villain in all the Trek movies, a terrific submarine-style hunt in the middle of a nebula, and Kirk's infamous "Khaaaaan!" scream. The special effects were excellent for the time and who doesn't like a good space battle? A classic tale of revenge set in outer space. Even Shatner was in good form for this one and, of course, the icing on the cake is Spock's demise accompanied by Kirk's blubbering. "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." Classic.




10. Star Trek

2009 saw a reboot of the franchise and easily the best Star Trek movie since First Contact in 1996. Featuring a brand new cast and minus the cringe inducing moments that had plagued the likes of The Final Frontier, Generations and Insurrection, this was a Trek movie that appealed to Trekkies and non-Trekkies alike. Star Trek boasted amazing special effects (albeit with love-it-or-hate-it lens flares all over the place), a decent story, great soundtrack, and more action sequences than the whole of Deep Space Nine. This terrific entry into the Star Trek franchise only narrowly misses out on the top spot.




9. Star Trek: First Contact

The only Star Trek movie to feature the Borg, First Contact is by far the best of the "Next Generation" movies. What's not to love? Picard has his "Khaaaan!" moment with his classic "I will make them PAY for what they've done!" speech. Alice Krige is amazing as the ice cold Borg Queen. Data finally does away with the embarrassing Mister Tricorder from Generations. Data even gets to have, shall we say, "intimate relations" with the Borg Queen, quite an achievement considering she is missing her body from the naval down. An excellent time travel romp (obviously a Star Trek staple but here it's executed brilliantly) with plenty of phaser fights thrown in for good measure.




8. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Despite showing their age rather badly by now, the cast of The Original Series returned for one last hurrah and, in the process, made one of the best and most suspenseful Star Trek movies. The Undiscovered Country finds Kirk and McCoy on trial for supposedly firing on a Klingon ship. The trial has some classic lines and is one of the more memorable scenes in Trek history. Kirk and McCoy's subsequent imprisonment and escape from Rura Penthe, and the race to prevent a Klingon-Federation peace conference from being sabotaged, all contribute to the excellent plot. The Undiscovered Country would have placed higher if it wasn't for the recent, and excellent, Star Trek in 2009.




7. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

The Voyage Home is a bit of a curiosity among the series of Star Trek movies. It has a fairly ridiculous plot about rescuing whales and some pretty cringe worthy scenes, yet it manages to be both charming and entertaining at the same time. Yes, we have to endure Scotty trying to talk to a computer mouse and Spock's karate outfit, but somehow the movie comes together and it's a real hoot to watch the characters trying to deal with people and situations from the 20th century. The Voyage Home is easily the funniest of all the Star Trek movies and, unlike The Final Frontier and one or two others, we are laughing for the right reasons.




6. Star Trek: Nemesis

Nemesis is an underrated Trek movie which, whilst never quite reaching the highs of First Contact, is much better than the likes of Insurrection and Generations. Picard must face his worst enemy: Shinzon, a clone of himself. We get an epic battle between Enterprise and the Scimitar (with a couple of Romulan Warbirds thrown in for good measure), some decent moments between Picard and Shinzon, and Data firing his last ever phaser. This final scene, whilst not up there with Spock's demise in The Wrath of Khan, is nonetheless a fitting end to the TNG movies.




5. Star Trek III: The Search For Spock

The Search For Spock was a big let down compared with its predeccesor, The Wrath of Khan. However, it's still a pretty enjoyable film in its own right. It has a decent enemy (Christopher Lloyd putting on his best Klingon costume) and some touching character moments with Kirk, Spock and McCoy. Arguably the biggest problem the movie has is that parts of it are incomprehensible for those who haven't seen The Wrath of Khan. It holds up fairly well still today and is a nice segway between the revenge/action movie of Star Trek II and the comedy of Star Trek IV.




4. Star Trek: Generations

Generations only narrowly beats out Insurrection and The Motion Picture because, despite having a more interesting plot and more action scenes, it has far more appalling moments that almost bring the movie to its knees. What it has in its favor is Kirk and Picard in the same movie. It also has a somewhat plausible plot and a terrific intro. Unfortunately, Generations starts to derail badly after the first 20 minutes and has a couple of the most embarrassing moments in Trek history. Firstly, there is the infamous Mister Tricorder. For those who have seen the movie, no more needs to be said. Secondly, there is Picard's trip into the Nexus, where he frolics with "his" children and meets Guinan, who Picard is somehow able to realize isn't actually in the Nexus herself...yet Kirk is. When he finally meets Kirk, they make an omelet together. Somehow, Generations rises above the omelet embarrassment and looks as though it's going to finish off with a decent ending (can't go wrong with the Enterprise crash landing on a planet). Unfortunately, just as we are breathing a sigh of relief, it all falls apart again as Kirk meets his demise in true heroic fashion... by falling off a bridge. Possibly a fitting end for Shatner but not for James T. Kirk.




3. Star Trek: The Motion Picture

When Star Trek: The Motion Picture was released in 1979, it seemed pretty cool. It had reasonable special effects for the time, an excellent soundtrack, and the cast were still young enough to be convincing. However, the movie has aged horribly and the plot really rivals Insurrection in the boring stakes. It centers around the Voyager 6 probe, a bald headed girl, and an alien being that bizarrely merges with Captain Decker to create a new life form. The Directors Cut is particularly tedious, adding about 15 minutes to a movie that already felt like it was 30 minutes too long. The Motion Picture is slow, plodding and feels like it will never end. It's interesting to see where the series of Star Trek films has its roots but most won't come back for a repeat viewing.




2. Star Trek: Insurrection

The funny thing about Insurrection is that it's still head and shoulders above the shit fest that is The Final Frontier, yet way below the standards set by First Contact that preceded it a couple of years earlier. The plot tries to be dark and clever, involving the moral dilemma of forcefully relocating a few hundred people so that millions can be saved. Clearly Picard needed a Vulcan on board Enterprise because he forgets that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. The biggest problem with Insurrection is that it's just...well...boring. The sequences with Picard and the slowing down of time, blowing flowers in the wind, are particularly embarrassing. All in all, the plot might have been okay as a TNG episode but it doesn't have enough substance to carry a full-length feature film.




1. Star Trek V:
The Final Frontier


It's no contest really for the title of "Worst Trek Movie." The Final Frontier starts off promisingly with a decent pre-title intro but it's all downhill from there. Sybok, a bumbling Vulcan on a religious quest somehow manages to take control of the Enterprise and steer the ship towards the center of the galaxy... where Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Sybok come (literally) face to face with God. Kirk's line, "Why does God need a starship?" is still embarrassing to this day. The cast were also aging badly by this time (1989). McCoy looked like he was at least 80, Scotty was struggling to fit into the turbolifts, and the ultimate insult was Uhura (played by Nichelle Nichols, who was pushing 60 by this time) torturing our eyes with a "sexy" dance she had no business even contemplating. Even Spock couldn't escape the humiliation, being forced to don a pair of rocket boots to rescue Kirk as he fell off a mountain. No surprise that this steaming pile of turd was directed by Shatner himself.

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