The Turdometer: Measuring Life's Excrement

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Blame it on the Dookie: The Worst UK Number Ones of All Time

20. Zager & Evans - In The Year 2525 (Exordium And Terminus)

Number 1 in August 1969

The very definition of a one hit wonder is Zager & Evans' In The Year 2525, an apocalyptic ode to mankind's imminent destruction. The song is a doom mongering prophecy of the various horrors and disasters that we befall the earth over the coming centuries. Somehow this mess of a song was top of the charts during the Apollo 11 moon landing and what should have been a time of great hope and achievement.

In The Year 2525 achieved the dubious honor of being the group's only hit in both the UK and the US, although they did attempt a bizarre follow up named Mr. Turnkey, which told the story of a rapist nailing his own wrists to a wall.

19. Gareth Gates Featuring The Kumars - Spirit in the Sky

Number 1 in March 2003

In 2003 Gareth Gates was fresh off a second place finish in the UK's Pop Idol and already had two number one records under his belt. The only sensible thing to do then was to accompany The Kumars, a British-Indian comedy quartet, in a stunningly bad cover of Spirit in the Sky. The photo says it all as Gates sings along, blissfully unaware of the bizarre jig being performed by The Kumars' grandmother behind him. The only saving grace was that the debacle was a charity song for 2003's Comic Relief, thus surely rescuing Gates from a place in this list's top ten.

18. Sonny & Cher - I Got You Babe

Number 1 in August 1965

Let's be clear: I Got You Babe is not objectively a terrible song. There are far worse on this list and elsewhere. No, the problem is that it's one of the most over played, irritating records ever released.

Once you've heard this song, there's no escaping it. The monotonous melody whirls around and around in your mind. Shockingly it's still ever present on the radio and almost sunk the otherwise excellent movie Groundhog Day. And just in case we weren't all listening the first time, UB40 saw fit to release an even worse cover version in 1985.

17. Spitting Image - The Chicken Song

Number 1 in May 1986

The list of party and novelty anthems from the 1980s makes for somber reading. Do The Conga, Star Trekkin', Agadoo...none compare to the conflicting emotions of amusement and horror one feels when subjected to The Chicken Song.

Spitting Image was a political satire that poked fun at politicians and other public figures. The sketches were performed by puppets that resembled their real-life counterparts, only with exaggerated features. The show was pretty groundbreaking at the time and did well in the ratings but that should never have warranted a record release, let alone one went that shot to the top of the charts. Another one of those "what were they thinking?" moments from the 80s.

16. The Firm - Star Trekkin'

Number 1 in June 1987

Undeniably better than sex for self-confessed Trekkies everywhere, Star Trekkin' was released towards the tail end of the 1980s obsession with novelty songs. Star Trekkin' featured bad voice actors impersonating Kirk, Spock and Scotty, accompanied by an shoddy claymation video, the gory details being evident from the photo to the right. The longer Star Trekkin' went on, the faster and faster it got, the song being incomprehensible by the end. Mercifully, this increase in tempo meant the record ended sooner.

A limited initial pressing meant that Star Trekkin' was thankfully hard to get hold of in stores. Alas, there were still enough copies out there to send the record to number one in the charts in June 1987.

15. Bombalurina - Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

Number 1 in July 1990

Timmy Mallett was a kids' TV presenter known for his over-the-top glasses and outrageous outfits. He was also known for carrying around a pink stuffed hammer that bore a striking resemblance to Bertie Bassett. What Mallett was not known for was having any vocal talent. The only reasonable thing to do, then, was to form a band and release a number one record.

In the summer of 1990, Mallett created Bombalurina, consisting of himself and two female dancers. Thus, a horrendous cover version of Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini was born. At least the Brits weren't the only ones duped, as the single went to number one in over a dozen countries.

14. England World Cup Squad - Back Home

Number 1 in April 1970

The England football team has suffered enough on the pitch over the years without adding more misery by attempting to sing. In 1970, however, England were reigning World Champions and were expected to do well in the upcoming World Cup in Mexico.

Starting a trend that has lasted more than 40 years, England contrived to blow a two goal lead over West Germany in the quarter finals eventually losing 3-2. Unfortunately, the official England World Cup song, Back Home, also started a new trend of absurd novelty songs being released every few years just in time for the latest tournament. Most of these players couldn't string two sentences together let alone sing.

13. Hale & Pace & The Stonkers - The Stonk

Number 1 in March 1991

As the 1990's got underway, we thought we had seen the back of one of the worst attrocities of the 80's: the novelty record. Unfortunately, the annual Comic Relief charity event kept the novelty song alive and well in the first few months of each year.

In March 1991, Comic Relief aired for the sixth time on British TV. This time the novelty record consisted of comedy duo Hale & Pace, better known for their standup routines rather than their singing, and - in a bizarre lapse of judgment - rock legends Brian May and David Gilmour. This resulted in The Stonk, arguably the worst of Comic Relief's dire collection of past records, and prompted plastic nose-wearing Brits to send it to number one in the charts.

12. Doop - Doop

Number 1 in March 1994

Doop continued where Jive Bunny (which narrowly missed making this list) had left off in 1989, by combining oldies hits with a modern dance beat. A true 90's one hit wonder, Doop (both the band and the song had the same name) was created by a Dutch DJ and, unsurprisingly, failed to make much impact on any country's chart except for the UK where, in March 1994, it reared its ugly head. Surfacing briefly for a few weeks, Doop reached number one in the charts and then disappeared into obscurity.

11. The Wurzels - Combine Harvester

Number 1 in May 1976

1976 was a pretty decent year in music. We had the Wings Over America tour, Queen released A Day at the Races, and the Sex Pistols were going into overdrive. Even many of the fluffier disco numbers are now considered classics, such as Dancing Queen, You Make Me Feel Like Dancing, and I Feel Love.

The Wurzels, obviously not content with the industry's creative output up to May of that year, decided the only natural thing to do was to release a novelty song about a large tractor.

To be fair to The Wurzels, they were not solely responsible for this mess of a song. It was based on Brand New Key by Melanie and was previously released in 1971. This saving grace kept Combine Harvester out of this list's top 10.

10. Renee & Renato - Save Your Love

Number 1 in October 1982

A true one hit wonder, Renee & Renato - and the ever savvy British public - contrived to send the shockingly bad Save Your Love to number one in October 1982. The deadly duo didn't know each other but were paired up by songwriter Johnny Edward, who strangely thought they would make a good double act.

The song could be mistaken for a bad Mexican Mariachi number, except that Renee was Italian and Renato hailed from England. After scaling the dizzy heights at the top of the charts, the pair faded into obscurity and never had a hit record again.

9. Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It's Christmas?

Number 1 in December 2004

The original Do They Know It's Christmas? is a British holiday classic. Released during the height of the mid-1980's Bob Geldof media love fest, it eventually became the biggest selling UK single of all time until Elton John's Candle in the Wind '97 surpassed it thirteen years later. The 1989 remake by Band Aid II was also a reasonable effort, despite being produced by Stock, Aitken & Waterman.

For the 20th anniversary of the original Do They Know It's Christmas?, Band Aid 20 was formed. Many of the artists' vocal "talents" were completely unsuitable for a 20-year-old pop record. This led to a bizarre mess of a song that was uncomfortably bland. The biggest horror of all was the introduction of Dizzee Rascal, who belted out the lyrics, "Spare a thought this yuletide for the deprived; if the table was turned would you survive?" That might not seem so bad except Dizzee was rapping out of tune in a full blown Cockney accent.

8. Mr Oizo - Flat Beat

Number 1 in April 1999

This is the crap we had to put up with in the late 90's. Arguably the most monotonous song in chart history (hence it's name), Flat Beat literally contains just two notes and some fake movie samples. And somehow, SOMEHOW this steaming pile was a number one hit. Even worse, it wasn't just the UK. It topped the charts in half a dozen other countries too. Oh, and there's a yellow puppet involved too. Because... naturally.

7. Chef - Chocolate Salty Balls

Number 1 in December 1998

Isaac Hayes was a soul music legend. South Park was a damn funny show. The two combined in disastrous fashion to contrive Chocolate Salty Balls, a bizarre disco/funk number made all the stranger by the fact that Hayes' character Chef was only a minor cast member.

With lyrics such as "Say, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown", the song marked a low point in Hayes' career and an even lower point in British chart history.

Fortunately, Chocolate Salty Balls was not the UK Christmas number one but came perilously close in December 1998. Even the luck of the Irish couldn't save them either as the song hit top spot in the Emerald Isle around the same time.

Ironically, this was Isaac Hayes' only number one hit in the UK.

6. Teletubbies - Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh!

Number 1 in December 1997

Teletubbies was a disturbing kids TV show that started warping the minds of youngsters in early 1997. That it proved so popular was equally disturbing. The horrific theme song was released as a CD single just in time for the Christmas season and, while obviously a blatant attempt to cash in on the show's success, many people incorrectly assumed that the single would fade into obscurity.

There was no such luck. The British public was caught off guard, underestimating the ability of parents' to resist the demands of their 4-year-olds to mass buy Teletubbies Say Eh-Oh! The single suddenly became the odds-on favorite to be the UK Christmas number one but was mercifully kept off the top by Too Much. One of the few times in history we were thankful for the absurd popularity of the Spice Girls.

5. St Winifred's School Choir - There's No One Quite Like Grandma

Number 1 in November 1980

Grandmothers... we've all had them and loved them. They give us wonderful childhood memories of hugs, trips to the zoo and trays of freshly baked cookies. That doesn't mean we need a hit song dedicated to them. In a shocking moment devoid of all common sense, the British record listening public went grandparent crazy in 1980 and panic bought There's No One Quite Like Grandma in droves. November of 1980 marked the first time in history that a local school choir had topped the charts but, tragically, it was far from the last time we'd see an appalling novelty record top the UK's top 40.

4. Bob The Builder - Can We Fix It?

Number 1 in December 2000

The song that kept Eminem's Stan off the top of the charts, the dreadful Can We Fix It? was the intro track to the slightly less dreadful Bob the Builder TV series. It's a bland, generic, uninspired children's TV show theme song, little more than an extended jingle. And that's fine for the kids... but somehow over a million stressed parents were brainwashed into buying the CD single and making it the first Christmas no. 1 of the new millennium. The fix was in, alright.

3. Joe Dolce Music Theatre - Shaddap You Face

Number 1 in February 1981

Infamous for keeping the Ultravox classic Vienna off the top of the charts, Shaddap You Face raced to number one in February 1981. Best described as an Mediterranean novelty song, Shaddap You Face featured Joe Dolce's fake and exaggerated Italian accent crooning about "mama", "Gieseppe" and how you "gotta no respect." The record couldn't have been more stereotyped if Dolce was twirling a pizza on his finger. Ironically, despite having Italian grandparents, Dolce had no immediate Italian relatives and was in fact born and raised in Ohio.

2. Aqua - Barbie Girl

Number 1 in October 1997

A song so bad that Mattel filed a lawsuit, Barbie Girl is a throwback to the appalling 1980s novelty songs. The chorus is particularly deplorable ("I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world!"). It's high pitched, whiny, plastic pop music that we all thought had died somewhere around 1989.

The Brits weren't the only ones duped into buying the appalling Barbie Girl; indeed, the song went to number one in more than a dozen countries. In a final act of irony, even Mattel gave up battling the inevitable and released a series of commercials in 2009 that featured Barbie Girl as the backing music. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

1. Mr. Blobby - Mr. Blobby

Number 1 in December 1993

It all started innocently enough on the early 90's TV favorite Noel's House Party. Mr. Blobby was foisted on unsuspecting celebrities who thought they were filming a children's show. He then stumbled around, making a fool of said celebrity, and generally destroyed the set until Mr. Blobby's head was removed and the man inside was revealed to be host Noel Edmonds.

We could have lived with that. We could have lived with the polka dots and the crazy, demented green eyes. We could have even lived with the bowtie and extraordinary noises he made ("...blobby blobby BLOBBY!"). Sadly, that wasn't the end of things and, a short time later, a horrified public was inundated with Mr. Blobby TV appearances (he was now the star attraction of everything Noel Edmonds did), pencils, books, and - the greatest tragedy of all - a CD single. The British public did the only reasonable thing, of course, and bought enough copies to send the official Mr. Blobby song to number one in the charts where it tortured radio listeners throughout Christmas 1993.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Poop-Em-Up: Worst Video Games of All Time

10. Kabuki Warriors

System: Microsoft Xbox

For every good turn there must be an evil opposite. And for every Halo there must be a Kabuki Warriors, an Xbox launch title that threatened to sink the ship before it had even left the dock. The graphics were poor even for a launch title, the animation jerky, and the character design blocky and embarrassing. A supposed beat-em-up, Kabuki Warriors is, in reality, an exercise in button mashing to the point where it is possible to complete the game blindfold literally hitting one button throughout.

9. Pit Fighter

System: Super Nintendo

Pit Fighter was a reasonable if unspectacular game in the arcades. Unfortunately, things fell to pieces when it was ported to the Super Nintendo by THQ, who were notorious at the time for the shocking quality of their games. The arcade version had large, colorful sprites that somehow got shrunk to half their original size on the SNES. The SNES port of the game has horrendous animation and laughable AI, to the point where an enemy character will frequently stand in one spot kicking randomly at thin air. The controls are non-responsive and bashing one button repeatedly gives you as good as chance of finishing the game as trying to employ any kind of strategy.

8. Captain Novolin

System: Super Nintendo

Novolin is a brand name for insulin. And Captain Novolin, a.k.a. "Jumping the Donut", is a brand name for crap. Masquerading as an educational game for children with diabetes, Captain Novolin must traverse various levels equipped with his only special power: the ability to jump. Unfortunately, this ability is haphazard at best, frequently taking multiple button mashes and resulting in a game that at times borders on uncontrollable. The main enemy is a giant floating donut that has a tendency to lurch in your direction, apparently at random. This behavior is made all the more frustrating because, when you try to jump over it (the only move your character has), the donut will sometimes veer erratically towards you even when you are mid-jump. There are various quizzes and mini-games of sorts between levels where the player has to select the amount of insulin they need. However, as many levels verge on the impossible because of the Captain's inability to do anything other than jump (and not always when you want him to), you probably won't even get there.

7. Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon

System: Philips CD-i

In a desperate attempt to revive the flagging fortunes of the CD-i, Philips signed a deal with Nintendo to license the Zelda franchise. Unfortunately, the three Zelda games that materialized were so shockingly bad that Nintendo doesn't even acknowledge their existence. Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon was one member of this Trinity of Turdness with poor animation and laughable voice acting. The "gameplay", for lack of a better word, consists of hitting a button to go from one cut scene to another. If you're thinking this sounds a bit like navigating a DVD menu, you would be correct.

6. Action 52

Systems: Nintendo Entertainment System, Sega Genesis

The idea behind Action 52 is a reasonable one: put a bunch of decent games (52, actually) together on one cartridge and sell it for an outrageous price. Unfortunately, although the cartridge did sell for the jaw dropping amount of $199, its collection of games could hardly be described as "decent." Almost every game has poor graphics and animation, with many being rushed and unfinished. Many games are virtually unplayable because they have bugs or, even worse, crash completely. The NES version even has music blatantly plagiarized from various Activision games. Unsurprisingly, Active Enterprises, who put together the NES debacle, never released another video game again.

5. Pac-Man

System: Atari 2600

Released during the height of Pac-Man fever in early 1982, the Atari 2600 was one of the most eagerly anticipated console ports in history. What players got, however, was a game almost completely different to the original. Development was hindered by the 2600's hardware limitations but also by Atari giving programmer Tod Frye little time to finish work on the game. The layout of the maze differs significantly to the arcade original, the small white pellets have been replaced by turd brown pellets, and Pac-Man is the wrong shade of yellow and poorly animated. Due to the 2600's technical drawbacks, it wasn't possible to display all four ghosts on screen at the same time. Therefore, the game draws them every other frame, causing a horrendous flickering that left many players complaining of headaches and nausea.

Although Pac-Man did sell well for the Atari 2600 in terms of raw numbers, it severely eroded confidence in the video game industry. Anticipating that people would buy the console just to get their hands on Pac-Man, Atari made 12 million cartridges despite there only being 10 million consoles sold at the time. In droves, dissatisfied customers returned the game to stores and Atari only sold an estimated 7 million games, leaving a surplus of 5 million cartridges

The only redeeming part of this sordid tale is that Tod Frye "persuaded" (some would say extorted) Atari into giving him 10 cents for every cartridge that sold, otherwise he would quit and start working for rivals Activision instead. Frye pocketed an estimated $700,000 from the arrangement. Nice one, Tod.

4. Custer's Revenge

System: Atari 2600

In the early era of pornographic games, it seemed that anything was fair game. Custer's Revenge had the player controlling a blocky, pixelated (and semi-naked) General Custer, complete with a Fedora hat and enlarged erection. The game is pretty shoddy anyway but achieved notoriety when, in an appalling lack of judgment, the designers found it reasonable to simulate the rape of a Native American woman tied to a post. Any doubts about whether this really is a rape scene are swiftly removed by a cursory check of the game's packaging, which reads: "She's not about to take it lying down, by George! Help is on the way. By God! He's coming."

3. Superman

System: Nintendo 64

A Superman game should have the player duking it out with bad guys, using his freeze breath, burning holes with his laser vision. A Superman game should be cool. Cue the arrival of Superman for the Nintendo 64, a cartridge better served as a door stop as the player is forced to run errands for Lex Luther, most of which involve flying through hoops. The graphics are laughable and the collision detection is more than suspect. The flight controls don't respond to button presses, to the point where it can take multiple button mashes before Superman finally does what you are telling him to. To top if all off, the game is shrouded in a green fog that the designers attempt pass off as a Kryptonite cloud but those in the know realize is there to cover up the game's poor engine and shocking draw distance.

2. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing

System: PC

Arguably the worst PC game ever made, Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing is a tour de force of just about everything that can possibly go wrong with a game. The graphics were sub par even for the time (2003) and the sound is virtually non-existent. There is, quite literally, no collision detection whatsoever, meaning you can drive through any solid object in the game, even driving up vertical walls. If you are thinking that means the game can't be much of a challenge you would be correct, particularly when your computer opponents never move from the start line. The crowning achievement of Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing is surely the game's now infamous "YOU'RE WINNER!" sign that displays after you "win" (but even this is hit or miss because the game frequently doesn't recognize when you cross the finish line). What's astonishing is that this total shambles of a game actually sold fairly well, being bought by an unsuspecting public or, more likely, by people who were just morbidly curious and couldn't believe a video game could be this bad.

1. E.T. The Extra Terrestrial

System: Atari 2600

Not content with merely being one of most shoddy games ever created, E.T. also has the dubious distinction of being the game that nearly brought down the entire video game industry. The losses made by Atari, coupled with other high profile debacles like Pac-Man (see above), caused confidence and game sales to plummet in 1983-4, almost bringing the industry to its knees.

In 1982 Atari thought they had scored big time by licensing the rights to E.T., the biggest movie of the year. However, by the time everything had been signed on the dotted line programmer Howard Scott Warshaw was given just six weeks to code the entire game from scratch to have it ready for Christmas. The result was a fairly predictable mess of a game that was both boring and buggy. One of the most widely criticized aspects of the game was the propensity of E.T. to frequently fall into pits that were almost impossible to get out of.

Atari made a huge loss on E.T., with an estimated 60% of cartridges unsold. In one of the video game industry's most notorious incidents, Atari shipped the unsold cartridges out to a New Mexico landfill where they were buried and later encased in concrete.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

When Bond Missed the Bowl: Most Embarrassing 007 Moments

30. Ashes to Ashes

From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

With a strong script, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is one of the better Bond movies. The ending, with Bond's new wife being shot to death as they drive away in their car having just been married, probably looked good paper. The moment is utterly ruined by George Lazenby's inability to act and a fat cop with red cheeks pulling up alongside the car on a motorbike as Bond cradles his wife's body in his arms.

29. Splash Landing

From: Licence to Kill

Licence to Kill is often underrated, with Timothy Dalton playing a gritty version of 007 that was much closer to Ian Fleming's character than previous Bond actors. The final scene of the movie contains a laughable moment where Bond wins over his love interest by jumping off a balcony into a swimming pool. The look on her face as Dalton splashes behind her is classic.

28. Madonna... In a Bond Movie?

From: Die Another Day

Die Another Day makes a number of missteps, with the ridiculous invisible car and an aging Brosnan getting it on with Halle Barry. One of its low points is Madonna's (yes, the singer) cameo as a fencing instructor, with the only saving grace being that very little acting is needed for the role.

27. This Never Happened to the Other Fella

From: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The producers of the Bond franchise knew that replacing Sean Connery was going to be tough for any actor, therefore they decided to cast George Lazenby who had never done serious acting work in his life. In the opening scene of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Lazenby takes out several bad guys on a beach. Just as the audience is starting to forget Connery, Lazenby brings us all back down to earth by walking up to the camera and gleefully saying, "This never happened to the other fella." Dreadful.

26. Robbing the Cradle

From: For Your Eyes Only

By the time For Your Eyes Only rolled around in 1981, Roger Moore was well over 50-years-old. Despite Bond regularly banging younger women, things are taken to a new low when Bibi, a 17-year-old ice skater, throws herself at 007 and then announces that she isn't a virgin.

25. The Cello Case Sled

From: The Living Daylights

The Living Daylights is one of the better Bond movies but it's not helped by the sight of Timothy Dalton riding down a ski slope on a cello case. As he and Bond girl Kara Milovy approach the Swiss border they duck under a barrier, throw the cello in the air, and catch it on the other side.

24. Denise Richards, the Nuclear Physicist

From: The World is Not Enough

In an even more bizarre casting choice than putting Madonna in Die Another Day (which at least was only a cameo), the role of Bond girl in The World is Not Enough was given to Denise Richards. Richards is better known for her big breasts rather than her acting skills, so was obviously the logical choice to play a nuclear scientist. The reason for her character's bizarre name (Christmas Jones) only becomes clear in the final seconds of the movie when Bond, laying astride her, says "I thought Christmas only comes once a year."

23. Bond Does Star Wars

From: Moonraker

The best Bond movies usually have a sense of realism about them and the plots are at least somewhat plausible. All of that is thrown out the window in Moonraker, a blatant attempt to cash in on the Star Wars craze of the time. The climax of the movie is a battle in outer space with lasers flying about all over the place, an exploding space station, and Roger Moore "attempting re-entry" with Bond girl Dr. Goodhead (no kidding).

22. The Sausage King

From: Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever is easily the worst of the Sean Connery movies with several absurd moments that have no business being in an action thriller film. Case in point: the prominent role of billionaire hotel and casino owner Willard Whyte was given to none other than Jimmy Dean, a.k.a. "The Sausage King." The sight of Sean Connery fighting alongside a gun-toting Dean and trying to keep a straight face is priceless.

21. The Superfluous Third Nipple

From: The Man with the Golden Gun

Christopher Lee is arguably one of the best Bond villains ever and was the perfect choice to play Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun. Unfortunately, we have to endure repeat viewings of Scaramanga's third nipple. As if that weren't enough, Bond has to explain this "superfluous nipple" to M and later wear a prosthetic teat himself. Titillating.

20. Joe Don Baker's Ass

From: Goldeneye

Goldeneye is comfortably the best of the Pierce Brosnan Bond movies. This despite the inclusion of a ridiculous scene in which Joe Don Baker has to prove his identity to 007 by pulling down his pants, revealing a tattoo on his ass. Things are made even worse by the writing on the tattoo, which you can see for yourself.

19. Moore Quiche Please

From: A View to a Kill

Roger Moore reaches a new low in A View to a Kill by wooing Tanya Roberts, contender for worst Bond girl of all time, and baking her a quiche. He then stands up, still wearing his oven gloves, and passes it off as just an omelet.

18. The S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Drag Queen

From: Thunderball

S.P.E.C.T.R.E. villain Jacques Bouvar fakes his own death and dresses as his widow at the funeral. Decked out in a pretty black slip, veil, and high heels, he and Bond then duke it out before Connery does the only sensible thing and puts Bouvar out of his misery.

17. Jaws and the Circus Music

From: Moonraker

Moonraker, despite having many low points, actually contains one of the franchise's better opening sequences as Roger Moore dukes it out with Jaws whilst free falling from an airplane. The entire scene is almost ruined when Jaws, having just been thwarted, attempts to deploy his parachute only to tear away the rip chord. Cue a shocking fifteen seconds in 007 history as Jaws wildly flails his arms up and down, the moment naturally accompanied by circus music.

16. The Iron Lady Talks to a Parrot

From: For Your Eyes Only

Ah yes, Max the talking parrot, probably the most irritating non-human character in 007 history. One of the more enjoyable Bond romps, and certainly one of Roger Moore's best, but it all comes close to disaster in the closing minutes. A cringe inducing scene has Margaret Thatcher, a.k.a. "The Iron Lady", having a full blown conversation with the parrot whilst baking muffins.

15. Getting it on with Grace Jones

From: A View to a Kill

A View to a Kill was one Bond movie too many for Roger Moore, who was pushing 60-years-old by this time. Moore's wrinkles and the 30-year age difference didn't stop him from bedding Grace Jones in one of the most awkward scenes in Bond history.

14. The Clown Costume

From: Octopussy

In true Bond style, Roger Moore has to save the day by defusing a bomb that is only seconds away from detonating. Naturally, this task must be accomplished whilst wearing a clown costume, complete with wig and a red nose.

13. Moneypenny's Orgasm

From: Die Another Day

Throughout the franchise's history, there has been a "will they or won't they" thing going on between James Bond and Miss Moneypenny. Their relationship reaches a new low in Die Another Day when we see 007 hovering over a spread eagled Moneypenny, only for it to then be revealed that the whole thing is taking place in a virtual reality program. The sight of Moneypenny wearing her virtual reality glasses, writhing around on the floor, caps everything off nicely.

12. Bond Goes Surfing

From: Die Another Day

Pierce Brosnan's high-speed rocket sled is forced off a cliff where it is suspended miraculously. As the cliff starts to melt and crumble around him, Brosnan is able to cobble together a parachute and surf board which he then uses to ride the waves to safety. A ridiculous scene, with the only saving grace being that it isn't accompanied by The Beach Boys (see below).

11. Bond Goes Surfing (Again)

From: A View to a Kill

It turns out that Die Another Day is merely the apprentice when it comes to perfecting the surf board scene. In A View to a Kill, 57-year-old Roger Moore uses a makeshift surf board to ride down a mountain whilst being chased by bad guys on skis... as California Girls by The Beach Boys plays in the background.

10. Sherriff J.W. Pepper

From: Live and Let Die, The Man with the Golden Gun

The most irritating, stereotyped character in all the Bond films combined is Sherriff J.W. Pepper, played by Clifton James. His appearance almost sinks two Bond movies, not to mention his involvement in the Swannee Whistle incident (see below). Pepper is what the producers must have thought was a stereotypical Texan cop, i.e. a dumb redneck who always looks like he has a half liter of spit in his mouth (which he disposes off on several occasions). The scenes involving J.W. are ludicrous. The fact that he was invited back after one movie is criminal.

9. The Midget Henchman

From: The Man with the Golden Gun

As great as Christopher Lee was as a Bond villain, his sidekick in The Man with the Golden Gun is Nick Nack, played by midget Herve Villechaize (a.k.a. Tattoo from Fantasy Island). One of Roger Moore's more laughable moments (and there are many) comes when he almost loses a fight to Nick Nack, despite having at least 120lbs in weight and 4ft in height on him. In a final insult to midgets worldwide, Nick Nack is bundled up into a suitcase then tied to the top of a ship's mast in the movie's closing scene.

8. Jaws Goes Soft

From: Moonraker

Jaws, played by 7ft 2in Richard Kiel, is one of the best and most creepy Bond villains. Naturally, the only sensible thing to then do with his character was to give him a spec-eyed girlfriend and launch the pair of them into space in Moonraker. Jaws' legacy should be scenes such as when Barbara Bach opens her closet to find a menacing Kiel staring back at her. Instead, we are treated to Jaws and Speccy sharing a bottle of champagne, smiling and waving enthusiastically at Bond and Dr. Goodhead as they fly away in their space shuttle.

7. Connery Turns Japanese

From: You Only Live Twice

In one of the least politically correct moments in Bond history, Sean Connery has to go undercover by being made to look Japanese. As if the fake eyelids and a bowl haircut wig aren't bad enough, his skin is also dyed a shade of yellow. Apart from the debacle that was Diamonds are Forever, this was Connery's lowest point as Bond.

6. Bond Rapes Pussy Galore

From: Goldfinger

It may have been 1964 but even then women's rights had advanced enough to make it illegal to force yourself on a girl. Despite saying No at least twice and putting up a decent fight, Pussy is pinned to the ground in a hay barn and it's made pretty clear what happens next.

5. The Pigeon Double Take

From: Moonraker

In one of most embarrassing scenes not only in Moonraker (which contained a fair few shameful scenes all on its own), but in all of the Bond movies, Roger Moore's gondola turns into a hovercraft which he then drives through St. Mark's Square. A man turns and stares at his wine bottle and then a pigeon does a double take. Horrendous.

4. Mr. Wint & Mr. Kid

From: Diamonds Are Forever

J.W. Pepper's stereotyped redneck was bad enough but things are taken to a new low in Diamonds Are Forever with Mr. Wint and Mr. Kid. In an inexplicable act of poor taste, the duo's creepiness is explained away by their being homosexual. They hold hands and comment on how unattractive they find women and in one truly horrendous scene, Mr. Wint is subjected to the ultimate fraternity joke (see below).

3. The Tarzan Scream

From: Octopussy

Roger Moore gets chased through the Indian jungle by men riding elephants, so he does the only reasonable thing: grabs a vine and starts swinging from tree to tree. As if the scene wasn't already bizarre enough, he lets out a full blown Tarzan cry mid-swing.

2. The Swannee Whistle

From: The Man with the Golden Gun

Car chases are the staple of any good Bond movie and The Man with the Golden Gun features what was, at the time, the only stunt to be calculated purely by computer. The spectacular scene of Bond's car corkscrewing through the air is completely ruined by Sherriff J.W. Pepper's presence in the vehicle, Moore imitating an American accent just seconds earlier, and the stunt being accompanied by the sound of a swannee whistle.

1. Mr. Wint's Wedgie

From: Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever wasn't content with taking bad taste to extremes with the whole creepy homosexual motif. In one last dreadful scene, Sean Connery gives Mr. Wint a full fledged wedgie. Mr. Wint's girlish scream and facial expressions are priceless but, really, the whole thing has become excruciating to watch long before the movie reaches this new low.